A Pressing Engagement, Or: The Day Jason is Super Hardcore

Seriously. I'm not sure I've seen this level of BA anywhere else. (Excuse this post being possibly lamer than usual-- I am on cold meds.)

But first, a bit of background. Jason is trying to break the bench press record, which is currently 1010. He is nearly there when the episode opens, and Ernie is keeping count for him. Kim is on the beam, dressed all in pink as usual (to complement Jason's entirely red gym clothes). Ernie loses count, and asks Jason to start again. I would be so angry.

Switch to Rita, whose "BIG PLAN" this episode is to send Goldar and her monsters to separate Jason from the team, and then "tear him apart". "With him out of the way," she says, "the rest of the Power Rangers will be at my mercy!"

Now, really Saban? The other four Rangers are just as capable as Jason. Jason is not the be all and end all (even though he is the hottest-- till Tommy shows up).

Also, I've never noticed it before, but sometimes Rita has a lisp. And something about her staff reminds me of Sailor Moon's wand. Let us examine, shall we?

Rita.


Sailor Moon.

I'm just saying.

Moving on, we're back at the Youth Center-- and Jason DID start over. Which means he is now just upwards of two thousand bench presses. And then Zack goes skateboarding through the Youth Center (didn't his mother teach him not to skateboard inside?) while Kim is blowing the world's biggest bubblegum bubble-- and naturally Zack crashes into her, leaving both of them a giant sticky mess.

My only question-- why is Jason not exhausted if he's bench-pressed that barbell over 2000 times in the space of that afternoon? I mean, I doubt he got much of a break. I know he's a Power Ranger but come on. He's still fifteen.

"First we separate Jason from the others"-- Goldar
"Then Rita grows you real tall!"-- Squatt
"And then we crush him!"-- Goldar.

I feel like this is Rita's plan every. Single. Time. What was that quote from Bones? Oh. Right. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome." Just an observation.

We return to the Youth Center, where, as evidenced by their outfits, it is the same afternoon. Kim is doing gymnastics again, while Jason and Zack seem to be checking her out (and who can blame them? She's hot and just wearing a leotard). Or maybe they're wondering, like I am, how Kim managed to get all the gum off her face and out of her hair in such a short amount of time. Because trust me, I've tried it. It isn't easy.

Bulk approaches and tells Jason the bench press record is still his. Now, I know what you're all thinking-- how on EARTH does Bulk hold a bench press record of over one thousand? I have no idea, and clearly neither do the writers. But Bulk tries to defend his title by bench pressing Jason. Jason manages to get away by tickling Bulk and stepping on his foot, causing Bulk to somehow rips his pants.

Ah, 90s humor.

Ok, no lies, though, I would totally laugh.

So then after Bulk and Skull leave to find Bulk some new pants, the communicators go off right in front of Ernie. I can't believe these kids thought he didn't know all those years. I'm 99.999% positive that he did.

More importantly, where are Billy and Trini?

This episode their bad guys are Goldar (as usual) and King Sphinx who looks like-- you guessed it-- a sphinx. He can use his wings to blow things away. Like Kim, for instance, in the middle of the battle. She ends up back at the Youth Center. On the beam. Demorphed and in her gym clothes*. And it isn't long till it's Zack's turn. And he ends up at the Youth Center. On the beam next to Kim. Which I find a little odd, since Zack doesn't do gymnastics.

So Jason is all alone, and Alpha is freaking out because Jason can't be reached on the communicators. King Sphinx takes Jason somewhere desert-looking and is trying to kill him and whatnot. He tells him he's nothing without his friends and why doesn't he just give up. I guess this is the opposite of the last episode. Teamwork was the theme then-- now it seems it's YOU CAN DO IT ON YOUR OWN.

Zack and Kim go to fetch Billy and Trini, where we find out Jason might need his friends "more than he knows" and that yes, Jason is indeed unable to be reached by communicator. DRAMA. However, when they arrive at the Command Center they find that apparently they can see him on the Viewing Globe. And he does need their help. Surprise, Saban-- Jason isn't all-powerful after all!

Zordon just keeps coming out with all this new useful stuff. This time it's Power Crystals. Apparently the Rangers can use them to find each other and to be more powerful. Although they have just been revealed, when Alpha sends them to Jason he automatically knows what they are and what to do with them. Must be a Morphin' Grid connection thing.

And of course the others show up when he flings the crystals and the zords aren't far behind. It's time to nearly get defeated and then WIN when it looks like you aren't going to! It sort of makes me sad when they immediately go to the Megazord, though. I know it's awesome and all but the Zords are pretty BA on their own, too.

Seriously, I could not have handled this as a fifteen year old. They must have been some hardcore kids, because this is some serious stuff they go through. Beatings every single day! Imagine the bruises. I'm amazed all of their parents didn't think they were in abusive relationships. I mean it's pretty accepted in fandom that they have healing powers that help them heal faster, but still. It can't be instantaneous.

Jason decides to switch to tank mode, which is cool. They blast Goldar and King Sphinx. Uh-oh Sphinx is flapping his wings! Wouldn't want to make it too easy, would be Saban? But then Jason calls the MEGA POWER SWORD (did we know that existed before this moment?) and everything is all well and good.

And we're back to Jason bench pressing. Might I point out everyone is wearing the same outfits? So it's the same day? So he's already done this over 2000 times AND fought a huge exhausting battle. And then he does over 1000 more. Jason is HARDCORE. But he needs his friends to succeed. He's careful to point that out.

Ernie has a cake for Jason for breaking the record. But it says Happy Birthday, Mom. It ends up not mattering, though. Bulk goes flying into the cake, rendering it no longer edible, and takes Skull down with him, making for a messy, albeit humorous, end to the episode.

*Maybe King Sphinx operates that stereo Seth Green is so excited about in the Italian Job. The one with speakers so loud it can blow a woman's clothes off?

Teamwork, or: The Day The Writers Were Low On Material

Look at that. Not only do the Rangers care about saving the citizens of Earth from evil aliens, but Trini and Kim also care about saving the environment. In the words of my new favorite Vacation Bible School leader, Ms. Ruthie, can we all say "Awww"?

The girls are working on getting students in their high school hallway to sign a petition to close down what Kim calls a "smelly dump site". Now, if I had tried this in my high school, I would've gotten trampled, first of all, because there was no room in the halls. But I also would have gotten shoved, mocked, and possibly given a wedgie. Since this is Power Rangers, though, the only people making fun of Trini and Kim are Bulk and Skull*. In the space of less than two minutes, the pair manages to belch loudly, throw trash at the girls, and dump a full trash can over some poor unsuspecting kid's head. Kim gets her revenge, though, by flipping her way between them so that they fall into a very bromantical hug that completely disgusts them.

Guess who's responsible for the smelly dump site, kids? RITA. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

The guys come up to see the girls petition, right before Bulk and Skull's little display of manliness, and each has his own reason for not going to the dump with Trini and Kim to deliver the petition. "It would be much more impressive if we acted like a team," Trini says. I smell both foreshadowing and a plot device, I say.

So Trini and Kim traipse off alone to the Angel Grove Industrial Waste site, because every small California beach town has one of those lying around. There are barrels of nasty nuclear waste lying everywhere. If the EPA got a good look at this Rita wouldn't be worrying about the Rangers, is all I'm saying. What is she DOING on the moon to generate all this waste, anyway?

Also, who wants to bet Kim's jeans are Jordache?

No lies, though, I really think I own those earrings Kim is wearing. It's official. The 90s are back. And can we just talk about fashion for a moment? As in, I WANT KIM'S SHIRT? I would so wear the hell out of that thing. Actually, I think I saw it in Urban Outfitters recently.

You know, I seriously don't understand why the team could never defeat the putties in these early episodes. They probably have a brain smaller than a stegosaurus. Do you KNOW how small a stegosaurus brain is? The size of a walnut. That's right. A walnut. According to Dan Telfer, they needed an extra brain in their abdomen just so their stomachs would work.

So, while Trini and Kim are fighting stegosaur-brained-putties in Jordache jeans at the nuclear waste site, Rita sends Finster's latest monster to Earth. A Minotaur. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the Minotaur from Greek mythology? Finster doesn't strike me as a student of the classics. I'd like to know how he knows about Minotaurs**.

Typical sexist, man. Zordon sends the BOYS to fight the Minotaur and tells them to help Trini and Kim when they're done, just ASSUMING they're going to get things cleaned up quickly. What was that about teamwork earlier?

While the boys go off to save the day, the girls stuff the putties in trash cans. Sorry, ladies. That only works to defeat AV geeks.

"Working together as a team is their only hope," Zordon says to Alpha. I'm sensing a theme here.

The Rangers are getting their rear ends handed to them, the boys by the Minotaur and Kim and Trini by the putties. "Perhaps it is time for me to reveal to them the ancient secrets of the Power Weapons," Zordon says.

Um, yeah. I would think now would be a great time. Of course, before the fight would have been nice, too. When you first gave them their powers would have been even better. But now's good.

Rita throws her staff down to Earth, which by now we all know means the monster is about to get bigger. Thankfully, the Rangers get their heads on straight and call the Zords. It is nice to see the Zords on their own instead of going directly into the Megazord, though. Man, I always wanted Kim's Pterodactyl Zord when I was a kid.

You know, this episode is thin on the outside-of-battle-plot. They messed up by making Rita in charge of the dump; they should have had someone else own it. Right now all we've seen outside of the fighting was Trini and Kim trying to get people to sign a petition to close the dump at school, and then outsmarting Bulk and Skull in the hallway.

Also, I swear I just saw Zack's Mastodon Zord shoot water out of it's trunk. Awesome.

Alpha: "At this rate, they don't stand a chance!"
Zordon: "You're right, Alpha."

Wow. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Zordon. And then to top it all off, he pulls them out of the middle of battle to come back to the Command Center for more instructions! Like-- what's going to happen to the Zords?? Are they still there with the Minotaur? Because the kids just teleported out.

And of course, Rita is all excited. She thinks they're running away and declares that the world shall be hers. Who's my favorite megalomaniac, Rita? Who's my favorite megalomaniac***?

So, Zordon gives the kids new weapons, which would have come in handy all those other times they had to fight bad guys, but whatever.

Billy gets a Power Lance (a "weapon of great power and rage"-- or at least, it sounded like Zordon said rage. Maybe it was range. But if it was rage I think it maybe should have gone to Jason).

Kim gets a Power Bow-- "accurate and strong". This was the reason I always got to use my BFF Garrett's Nerf Crossbow when we played after school in kindergarten. Kim had the bow. I was the Pink Ranger. He was the Red Ranger, so he didn't get the bow. End of story.

And OF COURSE Jason with the white knight complex gets a POWER SWORD-- "key to all the weapons powers". What? Like Jason needs a bigger ego.

Zack gets a Power Axe-- "Lightning quick and hard as diamond". Yeah, that's what she said, Zordon.

And lastly, Trini gets Power Daggers, which are so BA. "Feather light and true as arrows". Zordon, I am getting a sense that you don't trust the girls' aim. You said nothing about accuracy with the boys' weapons. Misogynistic big-head.

BUT OF COURSE the weapons work BEST together. Because the theme of this episode is TEAMWORK. In case no one had gotten that yet.

Once they get the weapons, they teleport back to beat the Minotaur, talking during the teleporting and effectively freaking me out. All of the weapons like, STROBE with neon light as the Rangers present them with a witty little saying before they beat the Minotaur. All to the tune of GO GO POWER RANGERSSSS. I want these weapons for my very own.

"Your team must act together as one," the bodiless voice of Zordon says. WE GET IT OKAY? THE EPISODE IS ABOUT TEAMWORK. So, in the spirit of teamwork, the kids put their weapons together after presenting them again and shoot a neon beam of light at the Minotaur, which apparently destroys him, but don't ask me how.

"All the bad guys in the universe and I had to get stuck with these NITWITS!" I feel your pain, Rita. I really do.

So, after the battle is over, the writers take us back to the high school for a little dose of something I like to call redundancy.

Trini: "Gee, things sure work out better when we work as a team, huh?"
Billy: "Maybe with a little teamwork, we'll get the dump site closed down yet."

In case you HADN'T gotten the message of teamwork, though, for whatever reason, here is another example for you. The kids are back at the school and the mess from where Bulk and Skull dumped the trash can on the floor is still there. Mr. Kaplan****, the principal, comes around the corner and demands to know why the mess has not yet been cleaned up. He wants to talk to the team, but gets called away by the intercom. Jason says, "What do you say we show a little TEAMWORK and get this place cleaned up?"

Clearly some fifth grade teacher somewhere was paying them to write this episode.


*Who, today, for some reason, have what seems to be a Led Zeppelin reject hanging out with them. Who IS this guy?
**Unless Minotaurs are from HIS planet and some went to visit the Greeks.
***Besides Lord Voldemort.
****Also, have I mentioned that Mr. Kaplan is wearing a royal blue suit with a yellow shirt?

High Five, or: The Day Trini Climbed a Hill

All right, the first thing we need to talk about here is Ranger Fashion, and by that I mean Fashion Don'ts. I understand that this is the 90s. I really do. But Kim, honey-- is the cropped, pink-pastel-striped jean jacket really necessary? Not to mention the fact that you matched both your scrunchie and your push-down socks to it. Jason, that muscle shirt does NOT cover your pecs and arms at all.

Actually, thank you.

Zack's choices aren't terrible. If he's auditioning for an MC Hammer video. I doubt even Hammer could get his hands on a pair of parachute pants with stripes like those. I won't mention Billy's overalls, because if I do it now, I'm going to have to do it every single time. They never change.

Interestingly, by wearing grey leggings and a yellow cropped tee shirt, Trini has the most conventional fashion choice of any of them. I applaud you, Trini. Or I would if I didn't know that that outfit isn't just for the Tai Chi class you're teaching and that you would also wear it to school. Or to the movies.

The plot of this episode is somewhat thin. Trini has a fear of heights. Okay. Really, who doesn't? I mean, I can't stand on the edge of a deck that's too high and look down without feeling queasy. Climbing a rope in the gym? Forget it (though that might have something to do with my wussy dancer arms). So I totally understand where Trini's coming from when she tells Jason to be careful when he starts climbing.

Man, I shipped these two SO HARD when I was five. I mean, and now.

This episode is, however, the site of a Power Ranger First: when Billy brings out the communicators he's made for them (and I mean seriously, a fifteen year old made these? It frightens me to think of Billy's possible future careers), Kim says "morphinominal" for the first time. We also see Trini translating what comes to be known as Billy-speak again, dumbing things down for her less intelligent friends. I wonder if any of them felt insulted as time went on. Like "Hey, Trini, actually, I knew what that meant, thanks".

On the moon, Rita's monster Finster is making monsters while she comes up with today's ~evil plan~. This time it's something about trapping the Rangers in time and freezing them there? Oh yeah, Rita, this sounds like a crackerjack idea.

Well, hey, except for the part where it totally worked with Zordon, 'cause that's why he's in that tube.

So, the monster Finster comes up with is called Bones, who looks like....a skeleton. Who saw that coming? Bueller? I know I didn't. And this time-freezing device looks suspiciously like the space shuttle Atlantis. Maybe after Rita was defeated some of her monsters went to work for NASA. When it gets to Earth, it's flying along the street like a creepy little hovercar and people are freaking out all around it, and when it stops, the nose falls off and it emits this rainbow-colored, strobey beam type thing that looks more like a castoff special effect from a disco video than anything dangerous.

So the alarms go off in the Command Center, and as usual Zordon knows what Rita's up to. He just can't do anything 'cause he's stuck in that tube. The worst part of this scene, however, is not that the Rangers have to go fight the putties, who by the way aren't really that scary. No, it's Jason's fashion choice. He decides, for some reason, to put on a short-sleeved white hoodie beneath his muscle shirt. Honey, why? A) I cannot ogle you anymore, and B) you look like a tool.

So we see Trini's fear of heights again now that Billy has to climb a hill to get away from the putties. Well, less of a hill and more of a craggy-rock-formation-thing, but the effect is the same. Anyway, Trini realizes that her BFF might need a hand, so she decides to follow him, because everyone can overcome their fear in the face of danger! Let's all be like Trini!

"I'm afraid, but I can do this. Billy needs me."

So. Inspiring.

Conveniently, Billy drops his morpher and really does need help. And can we discuss how the hill they're on wasn't that high when they started fighting, but has conveniently gotten higher now that Trini has to help Billy and OVERCOME HER FEAR? Billy ruins the moment, though, by telling her that she was "morphitudinous". Man, am I glad that never caught on like "morphinominal" did.

Kids, you'll eventually learn that the longer it takes you to defeat the Putties (who, honestly, can do you no real damage) the longer you can avoid whatever nasty monster Rita is going to send your way. This time it's Bones, Finster's masterpiece from earlier in the episode, and he can apparently jump long distances, fire energy bolts out of his eyes, and make himself disappear*.

So, they get trapped in the weird time dimension place, thanks to Bones, and it looks like something out of a Tim Burton movie. And the flying-monster and his black furry cronie whose name I can never remember are prancing around, trying to find a good place to put their dynamite so they can blow the dimension up and trap the Rangers there.

Now hold on. You can blow up a dimension? Let me just call Stephen Hawking and check on that.

Thankfully, after trying six million other ways and failing, Billy realizes that in order to defeat Bones they have to destroy his head. Trini does this by throwing it down a convenient pit, and the day is saved. Except, do we remember my rule from last time?

Rita always makes things bigger.

Except that unlike the usual the-monster-the-kids-fought-grows, this isn't a giant BONES, it's a giant.....I dunno, something weird that looks a bit like Iron Man. Or maybe Sir Lancelot.

Anyway, Jason manages to defeat it with his T-Rex Zord, because after a lot of fighting the T-Rex Zord manages to scream and start a sandstorm. Or at least, that was what it looked like to me.

You know, I always wondered how the Rangers could jump high enough to jump into the Zords. Is that a special Ranger power, or did they just have to work out and build really good calf muscles?

Anyway, the battle is over, and there's the word "morphinominal" again, this time courtesy of Zack. I'm going to start keeping count and see how many times it's used during the course of this show.

Now that the day is saved, the Rangers can go back to the Youth Center, where Ernie is telling a customer about how "Five superheros save the park from the zombie guy. And they call themselves the Power Rangers." What a coincidence that five color-coded teenagers happen to be sitting at a table right there.

Kids, let's talk about dressing monochromatically in your color. For example, the part about how it's a REALLY BAD IDEA.

At the end, we're at "morphinominal"-count: 3. The latest instance from Kim, who just gleefully said (in all seriousness) "This is SO 90s!" when given back her morpher by Billy.

Oh, honey. You have no idea.

*Sounds like a Pokemon I needed when I was trying to defeat Pokemon Crystal on my Gameboy Advance.

Day of the Dumpster, or: How Two Astronauts Singlehandedly Doomed Earth.

The pilot. An exciting place to begin for any show, but the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers takes the cake.

We start out with the two astronauts just...frolicking on the moon. Now, call me crazy, but I didn't think we had astronauts on the moon in '93. Much less a couple of idiots who decide that finding a "space dumpster" on the moon is totally normal, and that it's okay to open it.

Whose mother didn't teach them not to pick up strange objects?

Anyway, out pops Rita and her bevy of monsters and of course, the idiot astronauts run away. I can't really blame them. Rita's hairstyle* is enough to frighten a Navy SEAL. And does anyone else think that maybe no one liked Rita, so she got the misfit minions? I mean, we've got the flying monkey who didn't make the cut during Wizard of Oz casting; Finster, who has bigger ears than Galadriel in her evil form; some...scary looking black thing whose name I cannot remember; and Goldar. I have to admit, though, Rita lucked out with Goldar. He's the muscle of the group, even if his hair does kind of reminds me of Billy Ray Cyrus. Rita is happy to be let out after 10,000 years (seriously? Her skin is that smooth and she doesn't have a hunchback after being stuck in there for ten thousand years?), but instead of thanking the astronauts who set her free, she decides to launch an attack on the nearest planet.

But I mean, I know if I had been imprisoned in a space dumpster for 10,000 years my first instinct would be to conquer Earth.

Switch to the Youth Center, where our illustrious teen superheroes are going about their daily lives with no idea what is in store for them this glorious California afternoon. They're all wearing their Ranger colors. I guess that means it's ~destiny~. Seriously, though, these guys were the reason I wanted to learn karate as a child. Of course, they were also the reason I spent most of my afternoons chasing my best friend around his yard with his NERF crossbow.

Let us break for a moment and gaze upon the excellence that is Bulk and Skull.

Their outfits. Oh, I could ruminate for hours on the outfits in this episode, but I'd really like to focus on Bulk and Skull. For some reason, Bulk seems to think he's a reincarnation of Fonzie, all slicked back hair and leather jacket. Newsflash-- this is the nineties, Bulk. Get yourself some plaid baggy pants and a non-matching striped muscle shirt. I don't even have words for Skull. Mauve-colored suit? Check. Combat boots? Check. Red-colored chains around the neck and wannabe-Danny Zuko hairstyle? Check. Moving on.

I have to say, Rita does impress me sometimes. Where did she find contractors to build the palace on the moon that quickly? Is there like, an Evil Headquarters section in Home Depot?

Ah, the 90s. Although typically I abhor 90s fashion, in this instance I would like to say thank you to the muscle shirt. Without it, my five-year-old self would never have fallen in love with Austin St. John.

Also, Ernie must have a hell of a lot of insurance on that poor Youth Center. With an earthquake a day (roughly each time Rita's monsters came around, or when they GREW BIGGER**), there must have been serious structural damage. No wonder the poor man gave up and moved somewhere tropical.

So our five heroes just happen to be standing in the right place (in formation-- what a coincidence!) to be teleported to the Command Center/Power Chamber, where a giant floating head informs them that they're all superheros. Oddly, none of them seem too concerned by this, or the talking robot-- except Zach. He eventually convinces the others that this is whack, and they exit the Power Chamber...into the middle of the desert! All while Jason looks longingly back at Zordon, thus supporting my theory of red rangers with white knight complexes and possible daddy issues.

While the rangers are wandering around the California desert, probably dying of heatstroke, at Rita's Palace***, Finster is making putties (basically moving blobs of clay that fight mindlessly) like one would make cookies. Also, I used to pretend people that I didn't like on the playground were putties so that I could have a good reason for pretending to beat them up.

Anyway, eventually the teens come to their senses, after they get schooled by the putties, and somehow they all magically know how to morph and how to use their zords (which are basically giant dinosaur-shaped vehicles that look like they're made of Legos and how AWESOME is that? I totally wanted one as a kid). In their zords, they have to fight Goldar, who is undoubtedly the most badass Power Ranger villain of all time (and the most blinged-out). Let's not talk about how the action sequences are totally ripped from the Japanese versions. That's a whole other category of discussion. We can however comment that they look like they were shot using Legos and action figures on top of someone's ping-pong table.

For some reason, instead of completely schooling them again, Goldar decides to leave and let them have their semi-victory. They return to the Power Chamber and after some discussion, a fake refusal by Kimberly, and a meltdown by Alpha, they decide to remain ~POWER RANGERS~, this ensuring at least one full season of the show. Zordon gives them their three rules, the most important of which is never to reveal their secret identities.

Um, kids? If you don't want people to connect you with the Power Rangers? Stop disappearing at opportune moments while wearing color-coded outfits.

*Seriously, this hairstyle is worthy of Padme Amidala. Maybe Rita is from Naboo.
**Rule #462 of MMPR: Rita always makes the monsters grow after you think you defeat them.
***Does anyone else think this would be a good casino name?

Go Go Power Rangers!

In the grand style of a favorite blogger of mine, Kim, over at What Claudia Wore, I too have decided to blog my way through an important aspect of my childhood. Rather than books however, I've decided to focus on the cultural masterpiece that is the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, one glorious episode at a time.

Yes, that's right. You, dear readers, are going to be treated to the delights of horrible 90s clothing, overdone sound effects, melodramatic dialogue and the all-powerful love story that is Tommy and Kimberly.

Should any other seasons of Power Rangers prove themselves worthy, they may be allowed a mention here and there, but come on. We all know who the best ranger team was.