A Pressing Engagement, Or: The Day Jason is Super Hardcore

Seriously. I'm not sure I've seen this level of BA anywhere else. (Excuse this post being possibly lamer than usual-- I am on cold meds.)

But first, a bit of background. Jason is trying to break the bench press record, which is currently 1010. He is nearly there when the episode opens, and Ernie is keeping count for him. Kim is on the beam, dressed all in pink as usual (to complement Jason's entirely red gym clothes). Ernie loses count, and asks Jason to start again. I would be so angry.

Switch to Rita, whose "BIG PLAN" this episode is to send Goldar and her monsters to separate Jason from the team, and then "tear him apart". "With him out of the way," she says, "the rest of the Power Rangers will be at my mercy!"

Now, really Saban? The other four Rangers are just as capable as Jason. Jason is not the be all and end all (even though he is the hottest-- till Tommy shows up).

Also, I've never noticed it before, but sometimes Rita has a lisp. And something about her staff reminds me of Sailor Moon's wand. Let us examine, shall we?

Rita.


Sailor Moon.

I'm just saying.

Moving on, we're back at the Youth Center-- and Jason DID start over. Which means he is now just upwards of two thousand bench presses. And then Zack goes skateboarding through the Youth Center (didn't his mother teach him not to skateboard inside?) while Kim is blowing the world's biggest bubblegum bubble-- and naturally Zack crashes into her, leaving both of them a giant sticky mess.

My only question-- why is Jason not exhausted if he's bench-pressed that barbell over 2000 times in the space of that afternoon? I mean, I doubt he got much of a break. I know he's a Power Ranger but come on. He's still fifteen.

"First we separate Jason from the others"-- Goldar
"Then Rita grows you real tall!"-- Squatt
"And then we crush him!"-- Goldar.

I feel like this is Rita's plan every. Single. Time. What was that quote from Bones? Oh. Right. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome." Just an observation.

We return to the Youth Center, where, as evidenced by their outfits, it is the same afternoon. Kim is doing gymnastics again, while Jason and Zack seem to be checking her out (and who can blame them? She's hot and just wearing a leotard). Or maybe they're wondering, like I am, how Kim managed to get all the gum off her face and out of her hair in such a short amount of time. Because trust me, I've tried it. It isn't easy.

Bulk approaches and tells Jason the bench press record is still his. Now, I know what you're all thinking-- how on EARTH does Bulk hold a bench press record of over one thousand? I have no idea, and clearly neither do the writers. But Bulk tries to defend his title by bench pressing Jason. Jason manages to get away by tickling Bulk and stepping on his foot, causing Bulk to somehow rips his pants.

Ah, 90s humor.

Ok, no lies, though, I would totally laugh.

So then after Bulk and Skull leave to find Bulk some new pants, the communicators go off right in front of Ernie. I can't believe these kids thought he didn't know all those years. I'm 99.999% positive that he did.

More importantly, where are Billy and Trini?

This episode their bad guys are Goldar (as usual) and King Sphinx who looks like-- you guessed it-- a sphinx. He can use his wings to blow things away. Like Kim, for instance, in the middle of the battle. She ends up back at the Youth Center. On the beam. Demorphed and in her gym clothes*. And it isn't long till it's Zack's turn. And he ends up at the Youth Center. On the beam next to Kim. Which I find a little odd, since Zack doesn't do gymnastics.

So Jason is all alone, and Alpha is freaking out because Jason can't be reached on the communicators. King Sphinx takes Jason somewhere desert-looking and is trying to kill him and whatnot. He tells him he's nothing without his friends and why doesn't he just give up. I guess this is the opposite of the last episode. Teamwork was the theme then-- now it seems it's YOU CAN DO IT ON YOUR OWN.

Zack and Kim go to fetch Billy and Trini, where we find out Jason might need his friends "more than he knows" and that yes, Jason is indeed unable to be reached by communicator. DRAMA. However, when they arrive at the Command Center they find that apparently they can see him on the Viewing Globe. And he does need their help. Surprise, Saban-- Jason isn't all-powerful after all!

Zordon just keeps coming out with all this new useful stuff. This time it's Power Crystals. Apparently the Rangers can use them to find each other and to be more powerful. Although they have just been revealed, when Alpha sends them to Jason he automatically knows what they are and what to do with them. Must be a Morphin' Grid connection thing.

And of course the others show up when he flings the crystals and the zords aren't far behind. It's time to nearly get defeated and then WIN when it looks like you aren't going to! It sort of makes me sad when they immediately go to the Megazord, though. I know it's awesome and all but the Zords are pretty BA on their own, too.

Seriously, I could not have handled this as a fifteen year old. They must have been some hardcore kids, because this is some serious stuff they go through. Beatings every single day! Imagine the bruises. I'm amazed all of their parents didn't think they were in abusive relationships. I mean it's pretty accepted in fandom that they have healing powers that help them heal faster, but still. It can't be instantaneous.

Jason decides to switch to tank mode, which is cool. They blast Goldar and King Sphinx. Uh-oh Sphinx is flapping his wings! Wouldn't want to make it too easy, would be Saban? But then Jason calls the MEGA POWER SWORD (did we know that existed before this moment?) and everything is all well and good.

And we're back to Jason bench pressing. Might I point out everyone is wearing the same outfits? So it's the same day? So he's already done this over 2000 times AND fought a huge exhausting battle. And then he does over 1000 more. Jason is HARDCORE. But he needs his friends to succeed. He's careful to point that out.

Ernie has a cake for Jason for breaking the record. But it says Happy Birthday, Mom. It ends up not mattering, though. Bulk goes flying into the cake, rendering it no longer edible, and takes Skull down with him, making for a messy, albeit humorous, end to the episode.

*Maybe King Sphinx operates that stereo Seth Green is so excited about in the Italian Job. The one with speakers so loud it can blow a woman's clothes off?

Teamwork, or: The Day The Writers Were Low On Material

Look at that. Not only do the Rangers care about saving the citizens of Earth from evil aliens, but Trini and Kim also care about saving the environment. In the words of my new favorite Vacation Bible School leader, Ms. Ruthie, can we all say "Awww"?

The girls are working on getting students in their high school hallway to sign a petition to close down what Kim calls a "smelly dump site". Now, if I had tried this in my high school, I would've gotten trampled, first of all, because there was no room in the halls. But I also would have gotten shoved, mocked, and possibly given a wedgie. Since this is Power Rangers, though, the only people making fun of Trini and Kim are Bulk and Skull*. In the space of less than two minutes, the pair manages to belch loudly, throw trash at the girls, and dump a full trash can over some poor unsuspecting kid's head. Kim gets her revenge, though, by flipping her way between them so that they fall into a very bromantical hug that completely disgusts them.

Guess who's responsible for the smelly dump site, kids? RITA. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

The guys come up to see the girls petition, right before Bulk and Skull's little display of manliness, and each has his own reason for not going to the dump with Trini and Kim to deliver the petition. "It would be much more impressive if we acted like a team," Trini says. I smell both foreshadowing and a plot device, I say.

So Trini and Kim traipse off alone to the Angel Grove Industrial Waste site, because every small California beach town has one of those lying around. There are barrels of nasty nuclear waste lying everywhere. If the EPA got a good look at this Rita wouldn't be worrying about the Rangers, is all I'm saying. What is she DOING on the moon to generate all this waste, anyway?

Also, who wants to bet Kim's jeans are Jordache?

No lies, though, I really think I own those earrings Kim is wearing. It's official. The 90s are back. And can we just talk about fashion for a moment? As in, I WANT KIM'S SHIRT? I would so wear the hell out of that thing. Actually, I think I saw it in Urban Outfitters recently.

You know, I seriously don't understand why the team could never defeat the putties in these early episodes. They probably have a brain smaller than a stegosaurus. Do you KNOW how small a stegosaurus brain is? The size of a walnut. That's right. A walnut. According to Dan Telfer, they needed an extra brain in their abdomen just so their stomachs would work.

So, while Trini and Kim are fighting stegosaur-brained-putties in Jordache jeans at the nuclear waste site, Rita sends Finster's latest monster to Earth. A Minotaur. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the Minotaur from Greek mythology? Finster doesn't strike me as a student of the classics. I'd like to know how he knows about Minotaurs**.

Typical sexist, man. Zordon sends the BOYS to fight the Minotaur and tells them to help Trini and Kim when they're done, just ASSUMING they're going to get things cleaned up quickly. What was that about teamwork earlier?

While the boys go off to save the day, the girls stuff the putties in trash cans. Sorry, ladies. That only works to defeat AV geeks.

"Working together as a team is their only hope," Zordon says to Alpha. I'm sensing a theme here.

The Rangers are getting their rear ends handed to them, the boys by the Minotaur and Kim and Trini by the putties. "Perhaps it is time for me to reveal to them the ancient secrets of the Power Weapons," Zordon says.

Um, yeah. I would think now would be a great time. Of course, before the fight would have been nice, too. When you first gave them their powers would have been even better. But now's good.

Rita throws her staff down to Earth, which by now we all know means the monster is about to get bigger. Thankfully, the Rangers get their heads on straight and call the Zords. It is nice to see the Zords on their own instead of going directly into the Megazord, though. Man, I always wanted Kim's Pterodactyl Zord when I was a kid.

You know, this episode is thin on the outside-of-battle-plot. They messed up by making Rita in charge of the dump; they should have had someone else own it. Right now all we've seen outside of the fighting was Trini and Kim trying to get people to sign a petition to close the dump at school, and then outsmarting Bulk and Skull in the hallway.

Also, I swear I just saw Zack's Mastodon Zord shoot water out of it's trunk. Awesome.

Alpha: "At this rate, they don't stand a chance!"
Zordon: "You're right, Alpha."

Wow. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Zordon. And then to top it all off, he pulls them out of the middle of battle to come back to the Command Center for more instructions! Like-- what's going to happen to the Zords?? Are they still there with the Minotaur? Because the kids just teleported out.

And of course, Rita is all excited. She thinks they're running away and declares that the world shall be hers. Who's my favorite megalomaniac, Rita? Who's my favorite megalomaniac***?

So, Zordon gives the kids new weapons, which would have come in handy all those other times they had to fight bad guys, but whatever.

Billy gets a Power Lance (a "weapon of great power and rage"-- or at least, it sounded like Zordon said rage. Maybe it was range. But if it was rage I think it maybe should have gone to Jason).

Kim gets a Power Bow-- "accurate and strong". This was the reason I always got to use my BFF Garrett's Nerf Crossbow when we played after school in kindergarten. Kim had the bow. I was the Pink Ranger. He was the Red Ranger, so he didn't get the bow. End of story.

And OF COURSE Jason with the white knight complex gets a POWER SWORD-- "key to all the weapons powers". What? Like Jason needs a bigger ego.

Zack gets a Power Axe-- "Lightning quick and hard as diamond". Yeah, that's what she said, Zordon.

And lastly, Trini gets Power Daggers, which are so BA. "Feather light and true as arrows". Zordon, I am getting a sense that you don't trust the girls' aim. You said nothing about accuracy with the boys' weapons. Misogynistic big-head.

BUT OF COURSE the weapons work BEST together. Because the theme of this episode is TEAMWORK. In case no one had gotten that yet.

Once they get the weapons, they teleport back to beat the Minotaur, talking during the teleporting and effectively freaking me out. All of the weapons like, STROBE with neon light as the Rangers present them with a witty little saying before they beat the Minotaur. All to the tune of GO GO POWER RANGERSSSS. I want these weapons for my very own.

"Your team must act together as one," the bodiless voice of Zordon says. WE GET IT OKAY? THE EPISODE IS ABOUT TEAMWORK. So, in the spirit of teamwork, the kids put their weapons together after presenting them again and shoot a neon beam of light at the Minotaur, which apparently destroys him, but don't ask me how.

"All the bad guys in the universe and I had to get stuck with these NITWITS!" I feel your pain, Rita. I really do.

So, after the battle is over, the writers take us back to the high school for a little dose of something I like to call redundancy.

Trini: "Gee, things sure work out better when we work as a team, huh?"
Billy: "Maybe with a little teamwork, we'll get the dump site closed down yet."

In case you HADN'T gotten the message of teamwork, though, for whatever reason, here is another example for you. The kids are back at the school and the mess from where Bulk and Skull dumped the trash can on the floor is still there. Mr. Kaplan****, the principal, comes around the corner and demands to know why the mess has not yet been cleaned up. He wants to talk to the team, but gets called away by the intercom. Jason says, "What do you say we show a little TEAMWORK and get this place cleaned up?"

Clearly some fifth grade teacher somewhere was paying them to write this episode.


*Who, today, for some reason, have what seems to be a Led Zeppelin reject hanging out with them. Who IS this guy?
**Unless Minotaurs are from HIS planet and some went to visit the Greeks.
***Besides Lord Voldemort.
****Also, have I mentioned that Mr. Kaplan is wearing a royal blue suit with a yellow shirt?