High Five, or: The Day Trini Climbed a Hill

All right, the first thing we need to talk about here is Ranger Fashion, and by that I mean Fashion Don'ts. I understand that this is the 90s. I really do. But Kim, honey-- is the cropped, pink-pastel-striped jean jacket really necessary? Not to mention the fact that you matched both your scrunchie and your push-down socks to it. Jason, that muscle shirt does NOT cover your pecs and arms at all.

Actually, thank you.

Zack's choices aren't terrible. If he's auditioning for an MC Hammer video. I doubt even Hammer could get his hands on a pair of parachute pants with stripes like those. I won't mention Billy's overalls, because if I do it now, I'm going to have to do it every single time. They never change.

Interestingly, by wearing grey leggings and a yellow cropped tee shirt, Trini has the most conventional fashion choice of any of them. I applaud you, Trini. Or I would if I didn't know that that outfit isn't just for the Tai Chi class you're teaching and that you would also wear it to school. Or to the movies.

The plot of this episode is somewhat thin. Trini has a fear of heights. Okay. Really, who doesn't? I mean, I can't stand on the edge of a deck that's too high and look down without feeling queasy. Climbing a rope in the gym? Forget it (though that might have something to do with my wussy dancer arms). So I totally understand where Trini's coming from when she tells Jason to be careful when he starts climbing.

Man, I shipped these two SO HARD when I was five. I mean, and now.

This episode is, however, the site of a Power Ranger First: when Billy brings out the communicators he's made for them (and I mean seriously, a fifteen year old made these? It frightens me to think of Billy's possible future careers), Kim says "morphinominal" for the first time. We also see Trini translating what comes to be known as Billy-speak again, dumbing things down for her less intelligent friends. I wonder if any of them felt insulted as time went on. Like "Hey, Trini, actually, I knew what that meant, thanks".

On the moon, Rita's monster Finster is making monsters while she comes up with today's ~evil plan~. This time it's something about trapping the Rangers in time and freezing them there? Oh yeah, Rita, this sounds like a crackerjack idea.

Well, hey, except for the part where it totally worked with Zordon, 'cause that's why he's in that tube.

So, the monster Finster comes up with is called Bones, who looks like....a skeleton. Who saw that coming? Bueller? I know I didn't. And this time-freezing device looks suspiciously like the space shuttle Atlantis. Maybe after Rita was defeated some of her monsters went to work for NASA. When it gets to Earth, it's flying along the street like a creepy little hovercar and people are freaking out all around it, and when it stops, the nose falls off and it emits this rainbow-colored, strobey beam type thing that looks more like a castoff special effect from a disco video than anything dangerous.

So the alarms go off in the Command Center, and as usual Zordon knows what Rita's up to. He just can't do anything 'cause he's stuck in that tube. The worst part of this scene, however, is not that the Rangers have to go fight the putties, who by the way aren't really that scary. No, it's Jason's fashion choice. He decides, for some reason, to put on a short-sleeved white hoodie beneath his muscle shirt. Honey, why? A) I cannot ogle you anymore, and B) you look like a tool.

So we see Trini's fear of heights again now that Billy has to climb a hill to get away from the putties. Well, less of a hill and more of a craggy-rock-formation-thing, but the effect is the same. Anyway, Trini realizes that her BFF might need a hand, so she decides to follow him, because everyone can overcome their fear in the face of danger! Let's all be like Trini!

"I'm afraid, but I can do this. Billy needs me."

So. Inspiring.

Conveniently, Billy drops his morpher and really does need help. And can we discuss how the hill they're on wasn't that high when they started fighting, but has conveniently gotten higher now that Trini has to help Billy and OVERCOME HER FEAR? Billy ruins the moment, though, by telling her that she was "morphitudinous". Man, am I glad that never caught on like "morphinominal" did.

Kids, you'll eventually learn that the longer it takes you to defeat the Putties (who, honestly, can do you no real damage) the longer you can avoid whatever nasty monster Rita is going to send your way. This time it's Bones, Finster's masterpiece from earlier in the episode, and he can apparently jump long distances, fire energy bolts out of his eyes, and make himself disappear*.

So, they get trapped in the weird time dimension place, thanks to Bones, and it looks like something out of a Tim Burton movie. And the flying-monster and his black furry cronie whose name I can never remember are prancing around, trying to find a good place to put their dynamite so they can blow the dimension up and trap the Rangers there.

Now hold on. You can blow up a dimension? Let me just call Stephen Hawking and check on that.

Thankfully, after trying six million other ways and failing, Billy realizes that in order to defeat Bones they have to destroy his head. Trini does this by throwing it down a convenient pit, and the day is saved. Except, do we remember my rule from last time?

Rita always makes things bigger.

Except that unlike the usual the-monster-the-kids-fought-grows, this isn't a giant BONES, it's a giant.....I dunno, something weird that looks a bit like Iron Man. Or maybe Sir Lancelot.

Anyway, Jason manages to defeat it with his T-Rex Zord, because after a lot of fighting the T-Rex Zord manages to scream and start a sandstorm. Or at least, that was what it looked like to me.

You know, I always wondered how the Rangers could jump high enough to jump into the Zords. Is that a special Ranger power, or did they just have to work out and build really good calf muscles?

Anyway, the battle is over, and there's the word "morphinominal" again, this time courtesy of Zack. I'm going to start keeping count and see how many times it's used during the course of this show.

Now that the day is saved, the Rangers can go back to the Youth Center, where Ernie is telling a customer about how "Five superheros save the park from the zombie guy. And they call themselves the Power Rangers." What a coincidence that five color-coded teenagers happen to be sitting at a table right there.

Kids, let's talk about dressing monochromatically in your color. For example, the part about how it's a REALLY BAD IDEA.

At the end, we're at "morphinominal"-count: 3. The latest instance from Kim, who just gleefully said (in all seriousness) "This is SO 90s!" when given back her morpher by Billy.

Oh, honey. You have no idea.

*Sounds like a Pokemon I needed when I was trying to defeat Pokemon Crystal on my Gameboy Advance.

Day of the Dumpster, or: How Two Astronauts Singlehandedly Doomed Earth.

The pilot. An exciting place to begin for any show, but the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers takes the cake.

We start out with the two astronauts just...frolicking on the moon. Now, call me crazy, but I didn't think we had astronauts on the moon in '93. Much less a couple of idiots who decide that finding a "space dumpster" on the moon is totally normal, and that it's okay to open it.

Whose mother didn't teach them not to pick up strange objects?

Anyway, out pops Rita and her bevy of monsters and of course, the idiot astronauts run away. I can't really blame them. Rita's hairstyle* is enough to frighten a Navy SEAL. And does anyone else think that maybe no one liked Rita, so she got the misfit minions? I mean, we've got the flying monkey who didn't make the cut during Wizard of Oz casting; Finster, who has bigger ears than Galadriel in her evil form; some...scary looking black thing whose name I cannot remember; and Goldar. I have to admit, though, Rita lucked out with Goldar. He's the muscle of the group, even if his hair does kind of reminds me of Billy Ray Cyrus. Rita is happy to be let out after 10,000 years (seriously? Her skin is that smooth and she doesn't have a hunchback after being stuck in there for ten thousand years?), but instead of thanking the astronauts who set her free, she decides to launch an attack on the nearest planet.

But I mean, I know if I had been imprisoned in a space dumpster for 10,000 years my first instinct would be to conquer Earth.

Switch to the Youth Center, where our illustrious teen superheroes are going about their daily lives with no idea what is in store for them this glorious California afternoon. They're all wearing their Ranger colors. I guess that means it's ~destiny~. Seriously, though, these guys were the reason I wanted to learn karate as a child. Of course, they were also the reason I spent most of my afternoons chasing my best friend around his yard with his NERF crossbow.

Let us break for a moment and gaze upon the excellence that is Bulk and Skull.

Their outfits. Oh, I could ruminate for hours on the outfits in this episode, but I'd really like to focus on Bulk and Skull. For some reason, Bulk seems to think he's a reincarnation of Fonzie, all slicked back hair and leather jacket. Newsflash-- this is the nineties, Bulk. Get yourself some plaid baggy pants and a non-matching striped muscle shirt. I don't even have words for Skull. Mauve-colored suit? Check. Combat boots? Check. Red-colored chains around the neck and wannabe-Danny Zuko hairstyle? Check. Moving on.

I have to say, Rita does impress me sometimes. Where did she find contractors to build the palace on the moon that quickly? Is there like, an Evil Headquarters section in Home Depot?

Ah, the 90s. Although typically I abhor 90s fashion, in this instance I would like to say thank you to the muscle shirt. Without it, my five-year-old self would never have fallen in love with Austin St. John.

Also, Ernie must have a hell of a lot of insurance on that poor Youth Center. With an earthquake a day (roughly each time Rita's monsters came around, or when they GREW BIGGER**), there must have been serious structural damage. No wonder the poor man gave up and moved somewhere tropical.

So our five heroes just happen to be standing in the right place (in formation-- what a coincidence!) to be teleported to the Command Center/Power Chamber, where a giant floating head informs them that they're all superheros. Oddly, none of them seem too concerned by this, or the talking robot-- except Zach. He eventually convinces the others that this is whack, and they exit the Power Chamber...into the middle of the desert! All while Jason looks longingly back at Zordon, thus supporting my theory of red rangers with white knight complexes and possible daddy issues.

While the rangers are wandering around the California desert, probably dying of heatstroke, at Rita's Palace***, Finster is making putties (basically moving blobs of clay that fight mindlessly) like one would make cookies. Also, I used to pretend people that I didn't like on the playground were putties so that I could have a good reason for pretending to beat them up.

Anyway, eventually the teens come to their senses, after they get schooled by the putties, and somehow they all magically know how to morph and how to use their zords (which are basically giant dinosaur-shaped vehicles that look like they're made of Legos and how AWESOME is that? I totally wanted one as a kid). In their zords, they have to fight Goldar, who is undoubtedly the most badass Power Ranger villain of all time (and the most blinged-out). Let's not talk about how the action sequences are totally ripped from the Japanese versions. That's a whole other category of discussion. We can however comment that they look like they were shot using Legos and action figures on top of someone's ping-pong table.

For some reason, instead of completely schooling them again, Goldar decides to leave and let them have their semi-victory. They return to the Power Chamber and after some discussion, a fake refusal by Kimberly, and a meltdown by Alpha, they decide to remain ~POWER RANGERS~, this ensuring at least one full season of the show. Zordon gives them their three rules, the most important of which is never to reveal their secret identities.

Um, kids? If you don't want people to connect you with the Power Rangers? Stop disappearing at opportune moments while wearing color-coded outfits.

*Seriously, this hairstyle is worthy of Padme Amidala. Maybe Rita is from Naboo.
**Rule #462 of MMPR: Rita always makes the monsters grow after you think you defeat them.
***Does anyone else think this would be a good casino name?

Go Go Power Rangers!

In the grand style of a favorite blogger of mine, Kim, over at What Claudia Wore, I too have decided to blog my way through an important aspect of my childhood. Rather than books however, I've decided to focus on the cultural masterpiece that is the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, one glorious episode at a time.

Yes, that's right. You, dear readers, are going to be treated to the delights of horrible 90s clothing, overdone sound effects, melodramatic dialogue and the all-powerful love story that is Tommy and Kimberly.

Should any other seasons of Power Rangers prove themselves worthy, they may be allowed a mention here and there, but come on. We all know who the best ranger team was.