Day of the Dumpster, or: How Two Astronauts Singlehandedly Doomed Earth.

The pilot. An exciting place to begin for any show, but the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers takes the cake.

We start out with the two astronauts just...frolicking on the moon. Now, call me crazy, but I didn't think we had astronauts on the moon in '93. Much less a couple of idiots who decide that finding a "space dumpster" on the moon is totally normal, and that it's okay to open it.

Whose mother didn't teach them not to pick up strange objects?

Anyway, out pops Rita and her bevy of monsters and of course, the idiot astronauts run away. I can't really blame them. Rita's hairstyle* is enough to frighten a Navy SEAL. And does anyone else think that maybe no one liked Rita, so she got the misfit minions? I mean, we've got the flying monkey who didn't make the cut during Wizard of Oz casting; Finster, who has bigger ears than Galadriel in her evil form; some...scary looking black thing whose name I cannot remember; and Goldar. I have to admit, though, Rita lucked out with Goldar. He's the muscle of the group, even if his hair does kind of reminds me of Billy Ray Cyrus. Rita is happy to be let out after 10,000 years (seriously? Her skin is that smooth and she doesn't have a hunchback after being stuck in there for ten thousand years?), but instead of thanking the astronauts who set her free, she decides to launch an attack on the nearest planet.

But I mean, I know if I had been imprisoned in a space dumpster for 10,000 years my first instinct would be to conquer Earth.

Switch to the Youth Center, where our illustrious teen superheroes are going about their daily lives with no idea what is in store for them this glorious California afternoon. They're all wearing their Ranger colors. I guess that means it's ~destiny~. Seriously, though, these guys were the reason I wanted to learn karate as a child. Of course, they were also the reason I spent most of my afternoons chasing my best friend around his yard with his NERF crossbow.

Let us break for a moment and gaze upon the excellence that is Bulk and Skull.

Their outfits. Oh, I could ruminate for hours on the outfits in this episode, but I'd really like to focus on Bulk and Skull. For some reason, Bulk seems to think he's a reincarnation of Fonzie, all slicked back hair and leather jacket. Newsflash-- this is the nineties, Bulk. Get yourself some plaid baggy pants and a non-matching striped muscle shirt. I don't even have words for Skull. Mauve-colored suit? Check. Combat boots? Check. Red-colored chains around the neck and wannabe-Danny Zuko hairstyle? Check. Moving on.

I have to say, Rita does impress me sometimes. Where did she find contractors to build the palace on the moon that quickly? Is there like, an Evil Headquarters section in Home Depot?

Ah, the 90s. Although typically I abhor 90s fashion, in this instance I would like to say thank you to the muscle shirt. Without it, my five-year-old self would never have fallen in love with Austin St. John.

Also, Ernie must have a hell of a lot of insurance on that poor Youth Center. With an earthquake a day (roughly each time Rita's monsters came around, or when they GREW BIGGER**), there must have been serious structural damage. No wonder the poor man gave up and moved somewhere tropical.

So our five heroes just happen to be standing in the right place (in formation-- what a coincidence!) to be teleported to the Command Center/Power Chamber, where a giant floating head informs them that they're all superheros. Oddly, none of them seem too concerned by this, or the talking robot-- except Zach. He eventually convinces the others that this is whack, and they exit the Power Chamber...into the middle of the desert! All while Jason looks longingly back at Zordon, thus supporting my theory of red rangers with white knight complexes and possible daddy issues.

While the rangers are wandering around the California desert, probably dying of heatstroke, at Rita's Palace***, Finster is making putties (basically moving blobs of clay that fight mindlessly) like one would make cookies. Also, I used to pretend people that I didn't like on the playground were putties so that I could have a good reason for pretending to beat them up.

Anyway, eventually the teens come to their senses, after they get schooled by the putties, and somehow they all magically know how to morph and how to use their zords (which are basically giant dinosaur-shaped vehicles that look like they're made of Legos and how AWESOME is that? I totally wanted one as a kid). In their zords, they have to fight Goldar, who is undoubtedly the most badass Power Ranger villain of all time (and the most blinged-out). Let's not talk about how the action sequences are totally ripped from the Japanese versions. That's a whole other category of discussion. We can however comment that they look like they were shot using Legos and action figures on top of someone's ping-pong table.

For some reason, instead of completely schooling them again, Goldar decides to leave and let them have their semi-victory. They return to the Power Chamber and after some discussion, a fake refusal by Kimberly, and a meltdown by Alpha, they decide to remain ~POWER RANGERS~, this ensuring at least one full season of the show. Zordon gives them their three rules, the most important of which is never to reveal their secret identities.

Um, kids? If you don't want people to connect you with the Power Rangers? Stop disappearing at opportune moments while wearing color-coded outfits.

*Seriously, this hairstyle is worthy of Padme Amidala. Maybe Rita is from Naboo.
**Rule #462 of MMPR: Rita always makes the monsters grow after you think you defeat them.
***Does anyone else think this would be a good casino name?